We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
