So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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