GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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