it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
