You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
