All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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