I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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