Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
