Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
