I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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