On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
