you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
