The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize