Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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