Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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