Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
