You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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