Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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