dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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