Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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