peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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