I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
