My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
