I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
