I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
