this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
