last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
