did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
