is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
