so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
