I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
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its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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