Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
