Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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