If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
