just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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