Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
