I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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