Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
