Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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