I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
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All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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