actually, I'm a sock model
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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