8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
