my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
