He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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