If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
