Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
