my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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