Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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