My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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