Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
