Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
