Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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