i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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