how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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