Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
