Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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