Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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